Fish Out of Water

They say the Lion is the king of the jungle. And maybe he is, but he doesnt look like royalty when he is in a cage at the safari walk or in a zoo. Point is you can only thrive in a particular environment. I have been hosting a large number of guys here on business and pleasure. The common problem they have all had is failing to fully understand the social scene here. I have mentioned in the past that the average Kla woman is pretty well pampered and expects a lot from her suitors. Nairobi dudes are not used to having to go to extra time and even penalties for a non competitive game like charity sheild! This can lead to a lot of frustrations. Word of advice (gathered from countless weekends of observation); while there is the odd chance of your bad boy image getting you some action out here, be prepared to go the whole nine yards or count many lukewarm nights ( it never really gets that cold in Kla)! Or just follow the footsteps of charlie in 2&1/2 men and just liquor them up.

© Kigz Briefs From the Diaspora

Hate Speech

The goings on of government are becoming ridiculous each passing day. They want to regulate everything. They even regulate when we can drink! Then there is this dude called Kivuja Mifupa or something similar. Ati he decides what you can say and when. If you are a guy like Ruto and you say 'Screw Man-U', that is hate speech. If you are Tinga and you say the same thing, it is National Reconciliation or some shit like that. Anywho, I nows a pace we can put this dude to good use. We should have him regulate the speech between People and their significant others. There are some words that come out of a womans mouth that are bound to cause panic even in the most seasoned player. High up on the list is ' WE NEED TO TALK'. This one pharse has the potential to upset world peace more than the funny beareded man Americans killed the other day. And Kivunja Mifupa as the custodian of world peace should declare that phrase if spoken by a female as HATE SPEECH!

Do have a loving week!

© Kigz Briefs From the Diaspora

Learning a Language Horizontally

I remember promising myself that I would find out what it is that ugandan guys get in return for such good treatment of their partners. Having acquired some finesse ( Not much though, coz u can get a man from the village but....) a pal was on a roll in more ways than you can imagine (What they tell you about sex Aunties must be true!).

But at some point he noticed a certain word kept comming up - 'Banange'! Due to the circumstances under which the name was mentioned, he was afraid to ask its meaning. One day he decided to quench his curiosty by asking a total stranger. At Fat Boyz ( A pub, good place to watch Sunday football), he struck up a conversation with a good looking lady ( But what the hell did he know! It was dark and he was on his 7th Club!).

He explained the situation and she told him that she would tell him the meaning on condition he gave her his number. Happy to get his answer and get picked up at the same time, he did not object. She took a big gulp at her beer and looked down at him and said "Men come in four sizes, Small, Medium, Large and......... BANANGE!
© Kigz Briefs From the Diaspora

Honor Among Rioters

I have morbid fear of crowds. Actually if there are more than ten people around me and they aint confined to a screen (tv or comp doesnt really matter) I get really nervous. Needless to say that my participation in any riot is usually discussing its merits or otherwise in a bar watching the rioters in a tv screen.But I have really come to respect these walkers to work. They really do have discipline. Hear me out before you pepper spray my facebook page! They respect rush hour. They never start before 9am or after 3pm. They also NEVER riot on weekends, which means alot. But the single most important reason why they should win the Nobel Riot prize is their respect for Alcohol dispensing zones. The other day they were approaching Wandegs which is like Nairobi west and Buru combined before Kaguthi and Mututho. They were faced with a dilema. To disrupt the main access route to Wandegs and potentially have several bars closed for hours or to disrupt traffic flowing to a National refferal hospital. The choice was easy and the alcohol kept flowing. If you are in a bar reading this, raise your glas and toast to HONOUR.

© Kigz Briefs From the Diaspora

Necessary Evil

I know the image that corruption has in Africa. Apparently it is the reason we dont have

power and running water. I have my doubts about that, but that is important. What is important is that

we need crooks or at least alleged crooks. Without them, we are doomed. Consider this, some

dude steals 7 billion worth of fuel and runs off to the UK attending lavish parties every

weekend. The government doesnt even consider arresting him. Fast forward to when some Kenyan

dudes launder money in some nondescript island owned by the queen. Apparently it is a crime

and the brits want them bad. Suddenly the 7 billion dude is a criminal, has been arrested

and might be extradited or whatever transporting a criminal is called these days. They want

to exchange him for the money laundering folks. Neat
Consider what would have happened if we did not have crooks to exchange! The 7 billion oil

guy would have lived happily ever after and we would be fucked!
Corruption is necessary, at least so we can have crooks to exchange!

© Kigz Briefs From the Diaspora

Escort Services

There is an excess of VIPs in East Africa. I mean in Nairobi we are just getting used to VPs and PMs and stuff. Luckily, Kibaki is a mean guy. He regulates who gets a convoy with a siren. Not so in Kampala. The number of guys who have access to police escort convoys is enormous! And the convoys are really something to behold. The first time I saw one I thought there had been a coup! First there is a siren blazing police sedan. This is followed by a variable number of pick up trucks with a dozen cops in the back each blazing a sub-machine gun. The VIPs are always in SUVs following the machine gun trucks. Then a few other vehicles in the rear. When I realized it wasn't a coup, I then figured it must be the Head of State! Wapi! I was told. 'That is the husband of the deputy speaker of Parliament!' I was corrected.

© Kigz Briefs From the Diaspora

Friendly Guests

Tourism is a dynamic an industry as any. Enetrprenuers in the industry will usually stop at

nothing to ensure their guests enjoy their stay. But some are more ingenoeus than others.

Bangkok is a favourite destination for many either for business or for holidays. The holiday

makers are usually treated to a wide variety of goodies on offer. Commercial Sex is common.

They have massage palours that always start with the extras and offer the massage later if

you are interested. But the most ingenous way of business I saw, was the classification of

hotels. Hotel owners know that the average tourist will hit the pub and pick up a friend and

end up with the friend in their hotel rooms. Hotels that allow you to bring in your 'chips

funga' are labelled Guest Friendly hotels! Dont you love the English language? Have a

friendly week.

© Kigz Briefs From the Diaspora

All events, names and places mentioned here and in past articles by the author are a figment

of his imagination. Any relation with actual events, names and people is purerly

coincidental. No damage of character real or imagined is intended and any such event is

highly regretable.

Bilingual

There is a trend among Kenyan Preachers of having a translator during their services. The Main preacher guy will say a sentence in English and the translator will follow either in swahili or in one of the local languages. This bilingual business has gone to the extent that some tv programs have a dude doing sign language. This I get. It helps to ensure the message goes to as many people as possible.

What I dont get is the trend I have noticed in some Kampala Tv channels. The guys import a mexican soap opera (how come its only the mexicans who can make soaps?) which is originally in spanish. The Americans have done a pretty good job of muting the spanish and getting some english speaking actors to do a do-over. Some dude in Kampala then decides he can now add a LUGANDA voice. And he doesnt even mute the english voice nor does he try to make an accurate translation. What you end up getting is a confused badly done translation of the soap. When you see a group of chics arguing about what Paloma said or Adriano dreamt..... dont blame them. Blame the translator!

 

© Kigz Briefs From the Diaspora